Two Years - Too Long

There are times I don't think I can do it... Go on I mean. I don't want to end it, but there are times I wish I didn't have to get out of bed. Times where I wonder if the actions of my decision to move out west created this future. A future without my mother.

Tomorrow, marks the second anniversary of her death. A wound so fresh that it still bleeds. My heart still aches like it was yesterday, because quite frankly. It feels like it.

I know not one persons mourns loss the same, but is my loss out of control? Is my sorrow, my decompression, my hurt too far gone? Should I be in a different place when it comes to the healing process? Why am I so lost, and why - do I feel so alone.

People get it, or understand it to some degree. Unfortunately we've all been touched one way or another through loss, but my god why can't all our experiences or stories make things better? Why do I still cry each and every night for something that cannot change? Why am I falling to pieces?

I want to go home...To be where I was born. To be with my father, and my friends from my early years. OF course the people who are in my life right now think I am making a terrible mistake - that wanting to leave is wrong. Well too bad. To me it's right.

As I stumble into this void of sadness, I just want to wake up in 2007. I just want to erase the last two years in hopes that I can change the past.

I have no control over this, no choice but to move forward. To remember and never forget. I don't want to... I want her here....

As I type depress myself even more...I have to stop, this has been far from therapeutic.

Time

Today, would be my mother's 61st birthday. I say would, because she passed away almost two years ago on November 1, 2007. Dealing with my day to day emotions over her loss has not been easy - to say the least.

I've been lucky with a great network of friends; a father who I've grown closer to then I ever thought I would; but still - there is an empty void that I have no idea how to fill. A sadness I have no idea how to over come. The loss of my mother is a strong as it was, the day it happened.

There are circumstances that I believe have changed what could be my normal "mourning process" if there was to be a normal process at all. her death, quite sudden, and only after three weeks of my moving across the country. I do not fully believe I have begun to heal. Not where I am anyway.

My last two years of life have been absolutely fantastic. I've traveled, met a great guy, worked on fantastic projects; but still have not felt complete. I tried searching for the answers as to why I feel this way, but answers have never been found.

Perhaps; it's because I am an only child. It's only ever been the tree of us. Mum, dad, and me. Despite the fighting my mother and I would do, we still talked daily, and still remained each others confidants....To feel my family slowly disappearing is very frightening.

I worry that one day, my dad will pass - and lets face it...Unfortunately he will. And I feel seriously geographically challenged when it comes to parental preparedness. I'm making some big changes in coming months. Stepping backwards doesn't always mean failure. And one day - because of circumstance, our dreams change to reflect the now.

Can I buy a Vowel?

I used to blog often.....Every day in fact. Each emotion, experience and story brought the words flooding out. Like journaling, blogging helped me work through the tough times, the lonely times, and celebrate the happy times. It may be weird to say, but blogging, and the connections I made; saved me.

When I moved out West, I blogged less. Even after my mother died, I still didn't blog. Not too sure why. It could have had something to do with the man I was with. All I know, is I became able to function without puking my emotions out on a computer screen.

As life moved on and grew busy..I focused less and less on blogging, and more on interacting. Newly single, and dealing with not only the loss of my mother, but of my grandmother as well... I pushed myself in to the thick of things, desperate to communicate, but not through writing, through speaking

If flipping through the Internet can be flukey, then a fluke was what led me here tonight. To write and share. To express myself when it's tough in my reality to do so.

It's not that life is bad, or anything...Quite the opposite. I've been seeing someone for a few months, and he's a dream. I've grounded some of my thoughts, and moved on from the negatives. And from time to time, thinking of my mother is less painful. Not always, but I cope.

Lately though....I am worried about my communication.

Sometimes I worry that I have nothing to say, nothing to share, that my inability to engage in small talk could ruin me. I've been comfortable with myself for so long that silence is indeed golden.

I always look at other couples to watch them interact. See if they are talking, teasing, joking. I am acutely aware of all these other couples when I am feeling silent, when words fail me. How does this appear to the other person in my life? Will I lose him because I can't talk. Because there are times when I simply do not wish to speak? I can communicate, and I have no problem sharing....I guess I wonder if I am boring.

When I blogged, I could fake the silences. Emotions were easy to share, there was no interruption, and I could always delete if something looked too silly....I always felt like I had plenty to say, but when the blogging stopped, I really wondered....

Were not only the words, but the thoughts escaping me?

Am I becoming someone who has nothing to say?

Moving Forward, and Onward

It's day two of a brand new year. I haven't changed so much since 11:59pm December 31, but I am seeing more clearly.

This Christmas was tough. Even though I was around family and friends, I focused for a while on what I was missing. My mother, my grandmother, my father back home, and my guy (well the guy who is no more). I crippled myself with grief. Basting what would turn out to be a fabulous turkey, and all I wanted to do was run away.

I took a break, walked to the pier, and took in some deep breaths, and made promises to myself. I would focus on what I have; right here, right now. I would look around me, and bask in all it's sunshine. I wasn't going to let life's bumps take me over.

I now understand why, the second year of loss, is so much tougher than the first. In the first year, you are still ripe with what if's. You can still hope it's all just a bad dream. You can think; if I wish hard enough it will all end. That however, isn't the case. The situation you are in (whether it's losing a parent, gran parent, or any loved one), is quite real. And the minute it sets in, and you realise, you cannot control it....It can tear you a part.

For example; my mum and I; didn't have the best relationship, but unconditionally, she is still my mother. I would fight for her, defend her, and praise her; even if there were times I hated her. Now I want that all back. A tangible being, I can emote on. I sat here one night, working and realised. No matter how much I wanted it, or how many deals I made...She was never coming back. THAT. Is scary. No matter what you have been through with that person, knowing you can't make them come back to you, is frightening.

I am sure it applies to a lot of situations. Death, break-ups, job loss....When a situation becomes uncontrollable, and reality hits....There are tears, and pain (for a while), and that I believe is the next step (for me) in coping with grief.

My fear?

I was hit with three losses, 3 months a part from one another....In my life, it's almost like dealing with the next steps of my grief for each situation...Has a waiting list. I guess that's why "time heals all wounds."

I am working on moving forward though....I've accomplished a lot in the last year. I am proud of the steps I've made, and know there are only more to make....And hey. I do have 363 days to make them.

Oh, and that date? It hasn't happened. It will, it's just been a little topsy turvey to get to it. I am going to go though....Healing means dating, no matter how painful the act of dating can be.

Waiting and Dating

Yesterday, I was supposed to have a date. Not just any date, a first date. Unfortunately, I had to cancel. You see, my staff Christmas party was the night before. There was many beer, and many shooters. Needless to say; I was far from presentable to go out...Never mind go out on a date.

We have rescheduled for sometime this week. In fact, he will probably call, while I type this blog. To say I am nervous is an understatement. I am freaking out.

I have never been on many dates, I am a long term kinda gal. I usually end up dating my friends, and we are together for years.....Going out with someone I have spent only 20 minutes talking at any given time is awfully frightening. I am not good with small talk, I am klutzy and therefore worried I will spill something on myself, and have a weird sense of humour. Quite possibly a first date nightmare.

Thank god I am cute.

My bff and I were talking about dating tonight....When doe sit progress to more...do guys actually still say; "Do you want to go out with me?" How many dates before it gets comfortable. What if the date bombs; what if it doesn't? Are you getting to know each other? Dating? Why are there so many difficulties n a simple ritual?

Then, after all that s said and done, there is..........

THE WAITING

Waiting for the phone to ring. Or do you call? How many days are you supposed to wait? Is it ok to call the next day? The questions, and question marks are endless.


I guess this dating and waiting ritual comes with getting to know someone...I had a comment on my last blog that said couldn't we just skip all this dating stuff and get to it?

Some women love the chase, the cat and mouse games, the anticipation. And maybe I did in my twenties, but now, I'd like it to be so much more simpler.

Well, off I go....Plunging in......

Becoming Out there

Dating..... Do you like it?

I have never been fond of it...Historically, I have ended dating friends. I have been on few first dates, and the anxiety I feel can be pretty overwhelming.

I have been single since July. I haven't loved every moment of that time, but as I become more and more comfortable with my new situation, my single life has been tolerable....but now.....


Apparently - I am out there...

You never know when it happens really, what triggers becoming available. What lets someone of the opposite sex know you are potentially datetable?

The big thing about being "Out There" is.....

I am bloody scared....

My last relationship literally broke my heart....We were great friends for so long, and now we are all over the place..... up and down on our re-developing friendship and the pain I feel when I see him....It hurts. And we both pretend that we are fine without each other..

Now, I don't want him back....I don't want him as my boyfriend. I do however miss him.....I do hope that we can eventually get back to our friendship, because we are both going to date again. And we have to both be ok with it all.

I met someone a week ago....He seems great. Of course they always do in those first initial meetings, phone calls and dates....We haven't gone on a date yet, but there is attraction.

I am still however, scared out of my mind.

I am not first date material....I am terrible with small talk, and never feel like I can be myself, and since I have never been on many of these first date adventures....I rarely know how to act.

I guess, when you are "Out There" you have to go through all this, and more....

It's great to feel attractive, and hear the compliments from would be suitors....However, why does being out there, have to be so tough.

Feeling Groovy

What can I say? I'm feeling unbelievably groovy. I had the best visit with my father, a great time with my family, and I feel somewhat healed.

If you've read my other posts, you know I've had a tough year. I suffered loss, and I let myself down emotionally, but I think I am over the hump. I feel that although the pain I have inside me from losing my mother is far from gone, I feel that I can deal. That it's not crippling any more.

Spending time with my father was great. We've always had this really tight bond, but never really had time to investigate it on our own. My mother was jealous of any time we had together, so in order not to upset her; we never really had all that much time alone. Unfortunately till now.

My heart is breaking over how my father is dealing. Which isn't too bad. But I worry about him. I don't want him to be alone. It isn't to say he cannot BE alone, I just wish he had - well, my mother for company.

Through the last year of topsy turvey emotions, there was one thing I forgot to do, and that was truly feel happy. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was always sad, or negative, but I didnt feel whole. Now.... I do...

It's strange, how quickly I felt complete again. The boy troubles are so far on the back burner and I have nothing but good times ahead....

All in all.... I'm feeling groovy!